Last Sunday, I woke up very early in the morning … no sounds … no light … only my drowsy thoughts …. and suddenly I became fully aware that I had neglected my social life for a too long period, busy with,  yes …. thingies. Today would be a perfect day to visit my brothers again and make some fun, I decided, and I fell asleep again, relaxed.

Jack and William were delighted to see Mrs. D. and me standing on their door step. My brother Averell, however, pretended not to know me when he opened his front door. When I kissed him on his forehead, he started to blush and started yelling (“Muriel, Honey, Murry-Baby …. look who are here !! … switch-on the stove, Darling! … and the BBQ!”).

Mrs. D. didn’t say a word but kept looking at me, smiling. “Well done, husband.” she whispered when we entered my brothers house and blew me a Magical Oriental Kiss. What a Wonderful Lady I have married! (الله عز وجل)

The Big Plan:

My brothers and I made a plan to build a world-shocking,  amazing contraption, together, Dalton-Power!, showing the World that retired people are no retarded people. YO!

William proposed to use his garage, fully equipped with heavy metal tools&music. Jack came with some extremely weird ideas about what we could build and Averell directly started writing shopping lists with food and drinks we absolutely would need to keep the building process ongoing and the Dalton minds foggy&happy.

Believe me, Friends, I had one of the best times of my life. My brothers and I have been busy for almost ten days. We hardly had any sleep, Averell kept us going by serving fantastic dinners, magical soups, lunches, breakfasts, very-bad-thingies and above all … astonishing, forbidden cocktails ….  Say No More, Squire!
During these ten days my brothers and I didn’t allow any  interruption. All doors were locked and we didn’t pick up ringing phone(s).

The third/fourth day we heard someone knocking on the garage door. A male(?) voice was shouting:
“Hey … Anyone there? This is The Eureka Special Police Squad …. It’s Me, LeClerc, sorry … Chief Paperwork, Ted Turtle!” Open The Door! … Please …. Pleeeeeaaseeeeee?

William shouted: “Go AWAY, TEDDY, we are fine!”. That was sufficient; we had no more interruptions since then.

The tenth day we were ready, exhausted, hallucinating but extremely happy, so proud, so close with each other and … so awfully smelling to sweat, beer and dirty clothes.

But Now ….

The Dalton Brothers, William, Jack, Averell and Joey, proudly announce the birth of an amazing household machine:

”The Dalton Vacuum Cleaner”

This incredible web 3.0 bio-gas fuelled, environment-friendly, CO2-neutral, futuristic machine is able to deep-vacuum-clean your house … ANY house, no matter how big it is.

The configuration of this DVC-3.0  (“Dalton Vacuum Cleaner 3.0”) is straightforward; any idiot can do this. After inserting the proper Dalton Power Pack Batteries and switching on the device (just switch on the BIG-GREEN lever!), the DVC-3.0 will find its own way throughout your house (and even the houses of your neighbors if you don’t keep your doors and windows locked!), sucking all the dust it finds on its route. Whenever the DVC-3.0 dust compartment is full, DVC-3.0 will emit a deafening alarm, enabling you to remove the collected dust.

The Dalton Family © guarantees a proper behavior of the DVC-3.0 for at least five (5!) Galactic Klingon years. Whenever you open or damage the machine with brute or stupid force, forget to empty its delicate container or drop the machine from a high altitude, this guarantee is no longer valid (the Dalton Family © may even sue YOU!).

Joey, snoring & hallucinating & ultimately happy.

The Human Mind is an Amazing Machine. I have one, you too, I assume, so we share the same experience. The older I become the more I get impressed by the mind’s logical patrons. My whole life I have been very, very active. My mind even suffered from a complete melt-down a couple of times but, hey, I am still here, enjoying life in all its aspects.
The last couple of weeks, I tried to slowwwwww…. down … relax … set my mind in a lower gear. Very soon, I noticed that my mind didn’t like that; every time when I sat down to relax, my mind reminded me of things to do … so many thingies …. good thingies … stupid thingies ... but always, an endless queue of THINGIES.

For Example:
I was fooling around on my laptop, very early in the morning, drinking my first black, delicious steaming coffee and feeling very relaxed, dreamy even, happy, I think.

After 10-15 minutes, my mind convinced me to clean the kitchen …. “Hey, Yo, you MUST agree that your kitchen is a real mess!! HAVE YOU SEEN ALL THE DIRTY SPOTS?” ”Ok, Ok…”, I surrendered and spent an hour to clean the “mess”. When I returned to my laptop, tired but satisfied I tried to relax again. Suddenly my mind whispered, very softly: “Well done Yo , well done, …. but what about your bathroom ??? … “

Only a couple of days ago, I became aware of this stupid patron. I enjoyed a National Holidays and was doing ….. nothing … absolutely NOTHING … silly thingies …but, ohhhh man, I really had fun. In the mean time my mind was constantly knocking on my skull: “Hey DALTON! did you recently had a look at your GARDEN??? Do you know that the mailman got lost in it and currently is being devoured by all kinds of creepy bugs, living in YOUR GARDEN??? YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE, YO!!

Another attack (slimy): “Hey Yo …. I see that you have a real good time …. good ….good … you deserve this, of course … but … I don’t want to spoil your party … we are OUT OF BREAD !!! your family will be hungry and might even die of hunger …. sorry, please continue the important things you were doing, you know better than I do … but don’t blame me … I have warned you … I have warned you!”

I know that I have to blame myself but, boy-oh-boy, how tricky the human mind is.

Hugs and Kisses,
Joey (lots of irrelevant thingies to do now)

Part 12 of the "Legends of After-Earth

Quick reminder:
The most important thing you need to know right now is, (read carefully !), that the creepy guy, called Hunter, just entered Joey’s penthouse.
Hunter unlocked the front door and is looking now at his magical PL (People-Locator *with SP2*).

“Where are you, Daltom, you cannot escape anymore … o-h-h-h-h …. how delicious to be so evil like me …. GIGLE … GIGLE ... GIGLE.”
The man with the iron mask produces a deadly smell … spare me the details.
Hunter checks his PL again. “Aha, you are upstairs, little worm, sleep tight … as long as it takes …”.

Note: it is common knowledge that in Old-York electricity is cut-off at dawn. Joey is living in a 24-floor building …

Hunter collapses at the 10th floor, still 2x14 stairs to climb …. &*&^* ….. He takes a nap of a yellow potion, spits fire and continues climbing the concrete stairs …

In the mean time:
Joey is deep asleep …. snoring and moaning …. unaware of the deadly danger wandering in his own house ….

“Floor 24 …..,  At Last and Be Cursed, Daltom!” Hunter is coming to his senses, sweat is pouring abundantly through the holes of his plate-steel armor. His hearth is beating at an incredible pace and his breath is hardly able to prevent him from fainting.

But Hunter is a tough guy …. and remarkably enough, recovers after a few minutes, driven by Pure Hate, …. he approaches the door of Joey’s apartment, 24th floor, penthouse 1232B, Brooklyn Lane, with free view over a famous but dying city … he unlocks the front door so easily … locates the bedroom with his PL …. sneaks in … quietly …. quietly  … and draws his Black Sword (bought at the black market after his first murder) …

“DIE DALTOM, DIE !!!!”, Hunter shouts and rams his sword into the body of the peacefully sleeping Joey …… “AHHHHHHHHHH ….” he cries and wets his pants again ….

TIME-OUT: ….. the sword triggers a switch hidden in the dummy doll (model “Cowboy Billy”) lying on the bed on the 24st floor. Joeys cell phone, glued to the left arm of Billy, starts to glow green … and a  friendly ringtone fills the air …..

….

In the basement of the damaged building, Joey awakes from a restless dream, hardly aware of the terrible  ***BANG*** that shocks the few left inhabitants of Old-York and the rain of tiny Hunter flakes polluting the streets. “Bad luck, fellow”, he mumbles and switches on his wrist-top to order a new cell phone. After making himself an instant coffee he leaves the building in a hurry … “No time to loose …! “

Joey.

Part 11 of the "Legends of After-Earth

Quick reminder:
Lady Swan has called an(other!) ad-hoc meeting with her bored White Disciples.
A man called Hunter and his whale-liked Pony finally reached the centre of Old-York. Hunter has used his J-Pod-GPS and located Joey …. who is deep asleep …, Hunter is making cruel plans … wetting his smelling pants ….

A Beautiful Mermaid, called OctaPussy was trying to rescue Joey, but, unfortunately, life can be cruel and too short, she bounced upon Moby, the Terrorist Homo Whale, who didn’t have any decent meal for many months now. “Bon Appetit, Moby!”.
Bad luck indeed for OctaPussy; even her Famous Clairvoyant Family is still unaware of this Family Tragedy (coming SOON to your local theatres, starring Barbara S. as OctaPussy but decently dressed, of course, and without a fish tail).

Joey is still deep a-sleep, dreaming of a woman, called Alexia … Now, this Alexia Lady seems to be in a kind of Restaurant or Mental Institution, constantly falling asleep and annoying other people with her incredible loud snoring.

Do you feel confused? Me too, while I am the innocent background narrator with the pleasant voice and sweet breath. To be honest with you, I lost control of this story in episode-2 (…). Please, don’t complain, I need the money … Thanks! Only 876 episodes to go …

\

“Here you are, Daltom …. DALTON! Mister YO Daltom …. YO DALTON!”  Hunter produces an ugly laughter …. his faithful 4-feet companion instantly drops dead on the wet streets of Old-York, too terrified by His Master’s Voice.

Hunter approaches the door of Joey’s apartment, sticks one of his bony fingers in the lock and …. CLICK! …. Giggle …Giggle …Giggle …. FART! <sorry>. “Count your last minutes, Daltom, … Daddy is coming ! ….”

I have hesitated a long, long  time before publishing this post. I feel vulnerable, but still, the urge to share these feelings with you is too strong. My nightly daemons constantly kept me awake with the same returning question: “What are you going to do, Joey D., to improve your world? Your time is running …tick …. tick … tick…. ”.

Even when  I  am in a deep-deep sleep, I immediately start hyper-ventilating whenever I dream this dream.  I kick-aside my blankets and cushions, terrify my beloved one, shout and cry like a freshly-born infant …

Every other morning, waking-up l feel deadly exhausted. My beloved-one kisses me (but she is looking exhausted like me.) “You have hit me again during your sleep, Yo”, she whispers in my ear and kisses me …

I start weeping, hold her tight to me and ask God  to protect the two of us, FOREVER, PLEASE, DEAR GOD, FOREVER!, have mercy with us …

Yo.

One of the most valuable people in my life is my little sis, Chris. We live in different continents for many years now, thousands of miles away of each other, but still, tightly connected via Internet. and emails. My little Sis is a precious Angel of God, a pure, blue, shining priceless diamond.  I love her deeply.

Take care, little girl.
Your brother, Joe.

Part 10 of the "Legends of After-Earth

Quick reminder:
Lady Swan has called an ad-hoc meeting with her White Disciples.A man called Hunter and his whale-liked horse have reached the outskirts of Old-York. Hunter is using his J-Pod-GPS to find Joey, making evil plans … A Beautiful Mermaid, called OctaPussy is trying to find Joey in a terrible hurry; she looks upset. Joey safely returned home after a night of hard labor, got rid of his restless feet and is in deep sleep, dreaming of a woman, called Alexia.

“Snore ….. Snore ….. Snore ….  Yo! … YOOOO!!! … Snore …. Snore …. Snore … two beers, please, and a Dalton …, thank you, waiter, the bill, please, …. SNORE …”.

The Divine Alexia is dreaming her Eternal Divine Dreams. “Wake up Yo, bad folks are after you and I am too tired to eliminate them. Wake up, darling …. please ……. Snore ….. snore …..”

At the same time Joey makes wild gestures in his sleep, shouts weird words and, finally, falls in a deep-deep sleep again … unaware of the terrible dangers coming closer to him, step by step …. second by second …

I have so many Space Friends and such  a lack of time. With this post I would like to thank you all, Dear Friends, you, who made me become a better man, a peaceful man, after my violent and even criminal past. I hardly dare to name names because you all are so dear to me …  thank you Chiara, my very first space girl friend, your name is engraved into my heart and I will cherish you the rest of my life. Thank you Sunny & Bonny, crazy but wonderful sisters in Europe,  thank you Evelyn, Mysterious Castle Lady , thank you Dear Sigrid, you are a real Friend. Thank you Beth, you are a True Angel of God., thank you Elise, your Sense of Humor is Priceless. Above all I would like to thank my beloved little sis,  Chris.  I love you, Sis, always have and always will do … kisses from your insane brother,

Joey.

Part 9 of the "Legends of After-Earth

Quick reminder:
Lady Swan has called an ad-hoc meeting with her White Disciples.A man called Hunter and his whale-liked horse are walking through a dark forest, looking for Joey … A Beautiful Mermaid, called OctaPussy is trying to find Joey in a terrible hurry; she looks upset. Joey safely returned home after a night of hard labor, got rid of his restless feet and is in deep asleep, dreaming of a girl, called Alexia. 

Rumors go that when Hunter was born and his proud mother saw her little boy for the first time, her hair spontaneously turned pink and she started singing old Druid Songs in a weird tongue which nobody mastered anymore.

It is forty years later now, her hair is grey-pink and she is still singing. At 15:03 PM today she started with the 55332th couplet of the Magical Hymn “Prime after Prime after Prime”.

Hunter and his terrified transport medium have reached the suburbs of Old-York City. Thunderstorms are on their way, black clouds start covering the sky, animals are fleeing to their safe homes, silently … silently … no sound, PLEASE! The air is super-charged with electricity and the smell of ozone and sulfur is abhorrent. Somewhere in the near distance another skyscraper collapses with a moaning, terrifying sound …

Where is my friend Joey …. let me have a look at my J-Pod-GPS-tube … just a moment …. booting … (6 minutes later) … booting …. AHAA! There you are little man, sleeping so it seems. The better, the better, dying in bed seems to be the best way …. what a pity that I will wake you up first …happy dreams, Dalton, enjoy as long as they last ….

Joey (sleeping & dreaming)
PS: A wonderful Weekend to All of You, Dear Friends!

Part 8 of the "Legends of After-Earth

Quick reminder:
Lady Swan has called an ad-hoc meeting with her White Disciples.A man called Hunter and his whale-liked horse are walking through a dark forest, looking for Joey … A Beautiful Mermaid, called OctaPussy is trying to find Joey in a terrible hurry; she looks upset. Joey has gone fishing with Honey and claims to have killed all the flying sharks. Honey has disappeared during the battle and Joey wants to go home to get a decent bottle of beer and a nap (or two).

Six o’clock in the morning … no cab … no bus … no train … Joey is slowly walking home, bearing his Magical Sword on his tired shoulders.
Still twelve miles to go …. he curses and takes another deep breath.  Step by step he comes closer to his beloved house …. ten miles ….
Too tired to unlock his door, Joey smashes his front door with Ex-Caliber-11. He quickly swallows seven, eight cans of beer, crawls to his bedroom and collapses on his bed.

One hour later …. Joey tries to stand up again … not able to sleep. “My feet are too restless too sleep, what can I do about that, I need to do something, right now!”, he mumbles and tries to reboot his fabulous mind …

Twenty hours later, Joey awakes from a freshening deep sleep, healed, relaxed and cool as ever.
”Let me see, where did I leave my trousers … and, yeaahh … my feet ?”

Joey.

Part 7 of the "Legends of After-Earth

Quick reminder:
Joey has gone fishing with Honey and Lady Swan has called an ad-hoc meeting with her White Disciples.
A man called Hunter and his whale-liked horse are walking through a dark forest, looking for Joey … A Beautiful Mermaid, called OctaPussy is trying to find Joey in a terrible hurry; she looks upset.

It’s good resting after a night of honest, hard labor. The fight was ‘almost fair’; to be honest, my two right arms, swinging Ex-Caliber-11, were no real party for these flying guppies.

(Wish You were Here, Alexia … OBJECTIONS!!! … sorry, your Highness … ignore that last sentence, Jury!).

Somewhere during the battle I lost contact with Honey, trying to swallow two dead Fishes at the same time; I hope she is all-right.
I think that tonight, I have cleaned the air from all flying fishy objects … not bad … not bad at all.

I am really exhausted right now. I will try to hike or steal an unSderground cab to bring me home; I need rest, a lot of beer, and more rest.

Joey.

Part 6 of the Legends of After-Earth

Quick reminder:
Joey has gone fishing with Honey and Lady Swan has called an ad-hoc meeting with her White Disciples.
A man called Hunter and his whale-liked horse are walking through a dark forest, looking for Joey … A Beautiful Mermaid seems to be interested in the fate of poor Joey.

Thank Thou, Dear Grandfathers & Grandmothers (and Sponsors), for helping me, OctaPussy, to support my Earthly Friend Joey in his battle with Ultimate Evil. Bless me and help me to return home safely, still having all my six senses. As you advised me,  I have replaced my Armani Silver Surfing Tail with an ugly blue outfit. Hopefully this will make me more discrete in that cruel, sun  poisoned upper world.

Thom-Thom, guide me to The Old Bearded Man, … with Godspeed! ….. Hurry !!

Joey.

Whenever I visit you, you very slowly awake from an immense deep sleep. You smile at me and start look proudly (I think). You don’t speak to me during these spare visits but we still are able to communicate.  Your eyes follow all my motions and you smile again when I ask you how you are doing. I don’t understand what you are mumbling but I nod and pretend to agree with you.

I fake to be happy, tell you “funny stories” and encourage you to become stronger, knowing that your disease is fatal and that you most likely will die in this sad place. You squeeze my hand …. I hardly am able to start weeping and comb your spare hair with my other hand., unable to speak anymore myself.

I remember you, Dad, telling me and my little bro fantastic stories while we were lying in bed. We were 4, 5 years old maybe, the proud owners of a couple of brand new milky teeth and …. so innocent … so pure … so full of ambition and not familiar with anything ugly.

“More Dad!, More!”. My father always smiled whenever we begged him to continue telling us these bed time stories. “Tomorrow, boys, tomorrow”. He kissed us, smiled at us, and left us alone, wondering about the fantastic things he had just told and me and my little brother dreamt fabulous dreams.

”I love you, Dad, I love you so much …” I whisper, and quickly leave his tiny, suffocating room.

A couple of minutes later, my wife finds me in the lobby of the Nursery. She grabs my hand and guides me to the parking lot.
”I love you, Joe”, she whispers in my ear and I feel happy again. God touches my balding head … and I shiver, hearing a distant voice telling me amazing stories …

Joe.

I love you Daddy, please know that, whenever I write Crazy stories I use the energy which you gave me when I was that little boy. I hope you are able to read them, enjoy them, hopefully. I dream about sitting to your site and squeezing each other hands, knowing … and smiling to each other, not aware of anything ugly but creating fantastic Stories, TOGETHER! Dear God, ….

Part 5 of the Legends of After-Earth

Quick reminder:
Joey has gone fishing with Honey and Lady Swan has called an ad-hoc meeting with her White Disciples.
A man called Hunter and his whale-liked horse are walking through a dark forest, looking for Joey …

“Ohhhh Noooooo! Salty Father Poiseidon, not again! ….

A Beautiful Mermaid suddenly dives out of the ocean’s surface … she is not looking at her best today (although …).

Somewhere, deep deep down,  in the decayed graveyards  of the Poisoned Ocean, old spirits come alive and start roaring their stiff tails and fins, moaning and asking for hot soup and body massages.

Joey.

Part 4 of the Legends of After-Earth

Quick reminder:
Joey has gone fishing with Honey and Lady Swan has called an ad-hoc meeting with her White Disciples.

Silence … absolutely no sound … only a ZEN-trained ear might hear the soft breathing of a huge animal … a dragon? … an elephant? … a whale? … a horse maybe? “A horse” would have been the right answer (giving you a bonus of 1000 After-Earth Liras!),  but it was not a usual horse … more a dragon-like or whale-like horse, stumbling silently in the dark Cursed Forest of Nothing Him Matters.

Her master is walking by her side, an intriguing creature, smelling of overdue onions and disgusting swamps, dressed in … a canvas bag?
The Beast is watching him cautiously, knowing the punishment that she will get when she reacts too late …
”Square root of … NINE!” the master whispers in her left ear and chuckles …

The Beast reacts instantaneously and drops three excrements.”
” R…i…g…h….t, well done, well done …. (what a pity)”.

Silence suffocates the old forest again like a rotten, soaked wet blanket, while the wind desperately tries to move the branches of the terrified ancient trees … without any result …

Hunter chuckles again and softly whispers another question in the five ears of his trembling companion.
”What is the name of the idiot who stole my favorite pet, Honey ? …” The animal starts shivering and thinks …

Joey.