Today my nephew Willie celebrates his 75 birthday. Several times before I have published articles about Wil. I am a big fan of him, have all his albums and know most of his songs by heart. It has been too long that we have met, so: "Will, Congratulations, Buddy! Whenever you are in the neighborhood, please drop in, our house is your house, you know that!"

Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
And maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel second best
Girl I'm sorry I was blind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
And maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Tell me,
Tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me
One more chance to keep you satisfied
I'll keep you satisfied

I love freeware, because, well ... it is free. I am free, I live in a free country, so I love freeware, simple as that.
After two, three years of scanning many freeware RSS feeds I think that I have become a kind of an expert in this obscure field.

What do I have learned? Excellent question!

First, freeware is mostly not free, you might pay in several ways. Watch the words "Trialware" (meaning the software is no good, there is no money to hire professional testers and the publisher lets you do this dangerous job), "Shareware" (meaning that the publisher is going to share your money with the software company) and "Licence" (meaning you are going to pay way too much money, year after year). "Beta" mostly means that the development of the software is costing too much money, the product is not ready to be distributed but the owners are desperate and need a vacation. Some software companies use the term "Release Candidate". This is the same as "Beta" but even worse. In many situations, the development team was fired (or executed) and the company tries to assemble a new team of suckers. Watch out for these release candidates ("RC <number>") !

OK, next, carefully read the description of the freeware software and ask yourself the following questions (be honest!):
- Do I understand its functionality? Really?
- Do I understand its language? Proof!
- Do I need this function? ... Do I really, really need this function? Why?
- Do I trust this publisher? Why?
- Will I become unhappy when I decide NOT to install this freeware?

If you hesitated answering one of these questions, ignore this freeware and be grateful that you prevented yourself a lot of sleepless nights and expensive repair costs.

Here are some examples of freeware that I encountered this year:
- counts the number of typos you make; "... improve your writing skills!"
- takes pictures of your face at random times (webcam required)
- shuts down your PC automatically whenever you visit unsafe web sites
- transforms your cursor in a family of cute little puppies, exploring your desktop at their own will
- removes all freeware from your PC in a wink
- translates Czech to Bulgarian using an Excel spreadsheet
- finds nice ladies/gentlemen, meeting your personal preferences, by exchanging your personal PC files
- locks all your PC files; enter the highly personal 64 character key to de-code
- shows a desktop clock in HEX format
- password manager; send all your passwords to our site; we will guard them with our lives!
- benchmark; let us try to blow up your disks, video card or memory banks; if we cannot, you are safe!
- Internet banking; integrate all your Internet banking accounts in three simple steps
- web diary; store all your secret stories on our web server in Uzbekistan; privacy guaranteed!
- desktop gadget: weather predictions at the other side of the Earth!
- desktop gadget: wake up clock, wakes up even the most deaf person on earth
- optimizes your OS by deinstalling all unknown components.

etc, etc,

Don't let anyone fool you, stay who you are and keep thinking!
Hugs & Kisses,
Joey

Dear Friends, after two years of hesitation I have deciced to share with you the place where I live. Please keep this information confidential!

This is my house and the barn:

They look not very attractive, I know, but I am working on them. The foundations are OK, just some cosmetics.
My kitchen and bathroom:

The plants in the kitchen are the speciality of Mrs D. I have been working on the bathroom for over twelve years.
My living room (not ready yet but fair enough):

I think the style is a little bit 'overdone' but my guests are thrilled when they enter.
My most valuable room, the sleeping room:

And this is the desktop of my PC:

OK, that's it, no more secrets.
I wish you a wonderful weekend!
Hugs & Kisses,
Joey

I love you all, my Dear Friends; over the years I have done my best to follow all the relations you make via the Windows Live Web Space Home Page. Until ten days ago I felt rather confident about what happened but since then  I got more and more lost ...

My "Reliable Notes" go back to April 10 (2008):

"Wendy is now friends with Tom (bad  choice, Wendy! ...)
Wendy is now friends with Sue Ellen (Tom's wife, did you know that, Wendy?)
Sue Ellen is now friends with Bob (my neighbor?)
Sue Ellen is no longer friends with Bob (excellent decision, Sue Ellen!)
Wendy is now friends with Harold (poor Tom!)
Tom is now friends with Arnold (wow!)
Sue Ellen hates Wendy (what happened?)
Bob has fallen in love with Arnold (ouch...!)
Arnold has killed Tom and Bob (I knew, I knew ...)
Wendy is looking for a new, SIMPLE BOY friend (not me!)
Tom's twin brother, Mike, has killed Arnold (sounds like a movie!)
Bob was not completely dead, comes out-of coma and ... marries Mike (... help!..) ..."

April 20++, .... ?????? Please UPDATE ME, I AM LOST!

Hope you all are Happy, Healthy, Rich$$ and Beautiful.
Hugs & Kisses,
Joey (Old, ugly, miserable, confused & poor).

The fan mail from Trinidad (see my post of yesterday) made me start thinking ... I have an old, unfinished project, more a child dream, about printing my own money, money having my picture on it. Over the years, I have spent a lot of real money investigating the possibilities and the risks of using personal money. In my cellar I do have truck loads of $ Joey Dollars $. Sometimes I give a box of them to family and friends to be used as toilet paper.

I was wondering, I expect difficulties using these USA Joey dollars, let's say at my grocery or at McChickens. "What's this sh&*$t of paper, grandpa ??" (Well, I know a way (s)he could use it ... but never mind, too much troubles, lawyers and law suits)

But ... How about selling them to my Trinidad friends, let's say for 20 cents per dollar???

I have to work on these thoughts a little bit longer but I foresee unlimited opportunities ... Golden Beaches and Exotic Trinidad Beauties offering me Cigars and Hot Pepper Sauces ... while the band plays "The Man from Kansas with his Golden Gun!" ... and Big Mama's are dancing the Rumba in the background ...

Hugs & Kisses,
Joey

Another big surprise today. I received a letter from Juanita, living in Trinidad. Juanita writes:

"Dear Mister Joey, I bring you hot kisses from Trinidad and Tobago! We are students of the University West Indies Trinidad, faculty Western Criminality and Anomaly and we all adore you so much. Many of the elderly students have graduated writing there thesis about "The Dalton Phenomena", or "The Man from Kansas". At the moment I too am studying your web site and digging into your horrifying past. The title of my thesis will be: "Joey Dalton Live!?" with many publications from your web site and shocking newspaper articles.

Here are some pictures from my home country; we would be so thrilled if you could come to visit us soon, PLEASE??

(Miss Trinidad 18XX?)

Kisses, Kisses, Kisses ,
Juanita, Theresa, Alphonsa, Luis (gay), Dorothea, Pipa, Memnoza, Influenca, Somnosia, Pepita, Pepita(2), Pepita(3), Talliatella, Mallota, Spinoza, Mozerella, Trabantia & Cigarilla (and so many others!).

I have some mixed feelings ...
Joey.

My brothers and wives/girl-friends visited me today; SURPRISE!! (they still are in my house, downstairs, I hear them laughing and making a lot of silly noises); my wife told me, that they will leave tomorrow afternoon/night). Ten minutes ago, I went to my study, silently, secretly, even sneeky, to talk with you.

I feel so terribly ... puzzled ...confused; a couple of days ago I celebrated my 84th birthday ... 84.

I cannot comprehend how many years these are. E-i-g-h-t-y f-o-u-r; an old man, ... a wizard maybe? An old fool for sure, no good for whatever?

The last weeks, I dream about mysterious things, riddles is a better word. Just before awakening a small, handsome fairy is approching me and keeps asking me the same question, ... over and over again: "What is the answer, sweet Joey?". At that moment I wake up, breathless, wet of sweat, my heart bouncing like an old steam engine .... "I don't know, Lady, ... help me, forgive me ... but I still don't know!!"

Have to go downstairs now; they are calling my name.
Sorry for bothering you with my sorrows; I will be back tomorrow!
Kisses , Joey.

April 15, 2008, 01:40 PM; a pathetic, rainy night; the moon looks like a cheap molten cheese, partly eaten by schizophrenic rats, the house is making creepy sounds, Doggie is snoring (and farting)  and I faintly hear some shooting in the distance (is that you, Bob?). I am sitting in my kitchen, staring out of the windows ... two cigarettes in my left hand, three bottles of beers in my right (train hard and you will be able to do the same). My Lady is sleeping peacefully, but I don't feel like sleeping myself right now, my heart is running too fast and my testosterone level and blood pressure much too high; an excellent time for a special Movie: Sin City.  I walk to my living room, insert the DVD, kick-out Doggie, sit down in my special movie chair and plunge into this enchanting story .... (for the x-nth time) ....

I am steel man Marv now ... no, I am Hartigan, ... yes I am Hartigan ... absolutely Hartigan! ... but I won't blow my brains out! NO WAY! Time to sleep ... , I killed this YELLOW Stinking BASTARD and saved my Sweet Lady, yes I did, did I?, I feel soooo..... good. Time to rest ...

Sleep Tight, Ladies, call me when you need me.
Joey Hartigan.

About four, five weeks ago my wife told me that she was sure that someone was following her. I took her message very seriously (she is not blond and not stupid). Night after night I stood up at random times and walked around my house. I didn't spot anyone but found some suspected traces: cigarette stumps, empty beer bottles, chewing gum and garbage I will not specify here any further.

 Mysterious Stalker?

Two weeks ago, while I was watching TV (to be honest with you, I was sleeping in front of the TV), I heard my wife screaming in the kitchen; "HE IS HERE!!". I was too late ... (OLD FOOL! )

Dramatized picture (thanks, Roy!)

Since that moment I hardly slept. I explored my garden over and over again, I repaired the fences and put Doggie on a special "killer" diet. No clue, whatever ... until ...

Wake UP! DOGGIE!!

... Until yesterday morning. I woke up (around 4:00 AM?) and went down to make me some strong coffee. It was then, that dark rainy, blessed morning, when I heard some faint noises on my porch. I flew to the door and opened it (even without unlocking the lock I discovered later).

 Picture edited with Photoshop

There he was, the stalker, the creep. Trying to spy through the kitchen windows (to spot my wife I understood later).

He blinked in the light of the kitchen lamp and tried to sneak away. "Hello friend !", I said, "Fancy some fresh coffee?". He hesitated for one, two seconds, made the worst decision in his life and followed me into the kitchen.

I gave him several cups and interrogated him about his name, his address, family, income and more of that stuff (remember: I am a CSI fan and a Law-and-Order addict !). The fellow felt more and more comfortable and asked for bread (which I gave him), for beer (I served him twelve). He even began to sing.

Suddenly my wife appeared in the kitchen (wondering who where talking so loud). "Such a Nice lady you have, may I kiss her?" the unpleasant guest asked me. At that moment millions of neurons in my brains burnt through.

NEVER make me angry!

The Eureka police arrived within half an hour (a warm tribute to the Ted Turtle Brigade!) and busted the fellow. I could not explain why both his arms AND legs AND all his ribs were broken ("suddenly he felt from his chair, maybe too much beer?").

I kept a little souvenir for myself.

Yuck!

I Need to sleep now, I am so terribly, terribly tired. Where is my bed??
I Love you all, dear ones!
Joey.

Dear Friends, many, many years ago, when I was still young and muscular, I visited Stockholm for a conference about "Security Measures in Secure Banking" (something awful like that). When I arrived, late in the afternoon, and looked outof the airplane window I saw these beautiful houses, these unrealistic clear colors of red and green, and trees, everywhere trees. (Did I saw a rendeer?).

The day after I gave my presentation and left the boring meeting right away. I dwelled around the centre of Stockholm, ate fish, drank the local liquor and enjoyed the hospitality and the wit of the Swedish people.

When I saw the "Lord of the Ring" sequel I had to think about Sweden and I felt so good.
For me, Sweden = Rivendell.

I "bought" the LOR DVDs and watched them for at least 4, 5 times. Pure Magic, like Sweden.

My Beloved Friends, go there and watch with your own eyes!

Hugs & Kisses
Joey

Sweet Friends, since two (three? four??) months I feel sooo.... tired. When I wake up the only thing I want to do is go to sleep for the rest of the day. The house is quiet, outside it is snowing, raining or windy and my wife is laying beside me, like an Angel sent by God. Why bother, Why Worry, Why Think about Daily Sorrows ? I have to go now, trying to find my bed again ...

Hugs & Kisses,
Joey