I am the man who wasn't, the man who has not been before; EVER! I carefully look at you and tunnel through time and space; my brain is firing madly and headquarters are calling me with DevCon-112. ("battery low!").

I hesitate for one split second; a fatal error, I found out too late.

You smile at me and pull your gun; I don't have a gun (why not? I want one, a BIG one with real bullets that hurt!). I quickly look for my sun glasses ("You were born with sunglasses, son", my mother once told me in confidence, and fainted) .  I pee my pants. Why did I say that? I have never worn pants since I received my Kindergarten Diploma.

Quite unexpectedly, an inner voice interrupts my brilliant mind: "Hey! H.! You don't even know this guy with that huge gun, he could be your own son! Besides, don't you remember what the senile tailor told you just before you gave him the deadly Uranium: 'Your suit is made by Mario Armanio himself and ... 100% bullet proof, Mister H.!' What a pity you cannot hide your face in it."

Who Am I? What Crime did I commit (without gun!) ? Is my hair still OK? I have cold feet.
I need answers, and soon, where are my medicines, mother?

David Horroratio.

(PS: David is one of my fellow villagers. He has been trying to become a "mystic writer" for over forty-two years now and is called "A promising young talent with a unique style", by his private teacher, Eugene Warlock. Many, many years ago I promised David to help him with his career (I had a very short affair with his mother); yesterday David asked me to publish the story above).

Joey).

Maybe you know that I live in Eureka (Kansas). If not, forget it, it's not important at all, however, I would like to tell you the story behind the name "Eureka".  It is a Greece word meaning "I found it!!!" ... and that is exactly what all citizens of this town shout whenever they return home safely.

Eureka is extremely difficult to find. Most roads are one-way only, and many of them end without any warning.

Lots of folks get lost when they return home after work or after shopping. Five weeks ago TEN (!) persons were reported missing.

The Eureka police has searched the city surroundings as good as possible. The weather was not too good. Fog blocked the sight of the brave men looking for the lost ones.

Eventually, only one person was found alive: M. Eatloaf. He succeeded in staying alive by eating his other nine companions/neighbors/colleagues.

The only way to survive in Eureka is by using GPS navigators (and to update the software frequently).

PS: a lot of houses in the neighborhood are for sale; if you are interested you can contact:
Kansas Labyrinth Livings, Eternal Road 69, Eureka, Kansas, or www.Labyrinth-Livings-at-own-risk.com

If you have any questions about Eureka, do not hesitate to contact me.
Joey.

Are you depressed by all this bad news about banks going bankrupt, countries having no more money to buy weapons and electronic displays that have become too small to show the actual national debt?
Don't despair, there also is a positive aspect.

The figures for national bank robberies have never been so low as these days.
In fact, the ONLY bank robbery that took place this week was in Denver.

The two robbers, Patrick Densely and Sonny ScaryFace, were completely taken by surprise when they tried to rob the Denver Bank of America.

Their loot consisted of a handful of coins and half a donut.

The police arrived one hour after the alarm went off ("They must be joking!"); at that moment the robbers were still trying to find some money.

Even when they were cuffed and transported to the police station, they kept crying: "Show me the money!!!".

Keep Smiling!
Joey.

Many friends asked me the same question. "Joey, you used to be a superb financial advisor and a famous bank robber, what do you recommend me to do with my money?"

This is a very difficult question. I will give you my advice but, please, think before you act. I am aware that you have worked very hard for your savings and spending them can be done only once.

When you notice that your bank has a very expensive building, ask yourself the question: "Who has paid this building?".

When you see on the news that your bank has collapsed, ask yourself the question: "Who will pay the damage?".

Most likely, the answers on both questions will be: "that will be ME (read: YOU)".
Therefore, my advice is: don't trust your savings to any bank any more the coming two, three years. Pay your debts (don't make any!) and spend the rest; surprise your loved-ones with expensive presents and holidays, live today and enjoy today!

These difficult times can be used to re-learn the real valuable things in life, to re-learn how to live in balance with nature. Let us be brave, honest, truely human and let's avoid the greedy ones hiding in their ridiculous, expensive buildings.

Hugs and Kisses,
Joey

This weekend, two truly amazing things happened.

First, Sunday morning, just after breakfast, I opened my web site and noticed ... that the total number of my Windows Live Friends had exceeded the magical barrier of 1000 ... HOW??

Next, within a couple of hours I received many, many new invitations from friends all over the world. I cried from joy and welcomed everyone (men excluded) with open virtual arms. HOW COULD THIS BE??

The news that a stupid Windows Live User had been able to break to 1000-live-friend-limit soon became known to the world press (HOW??).  Reporters visited my house for interviews and when I switched on my TV I saw many news items mentioning my name.

Later that day, a CN8 news crew interrupted a Microsoft Sunday Family Brunch with urgent questions to Chief Window, Steve Balmer.

"Mister Balmer, do you know that today a simple-minded Windows Live user, called Joey Dalton, succeeded in breaking the 1000-friend-limit??"
Steve: "YESSSS! I know we could do it !! ...

... Some weeks ago, I have instructed the Live Development Team to remove any barrier for this amazing Joey Dalton; this man is a true genius and a walking advertisement for Microsoft. Well done, ladies & gents, your Christmas bonus has been secured!".

"Mister Balmer, why this exceptional rule for this Joey Dalton?"
Steve: "Just a moment, I need to change my clothes first, I seem to have spilled some food".
Twelve minutes later ...
Steve: " This talented man started at the bottom and worked himself up to the spotlights which he deserves so much, like Bill but he did it faster and on a much later age. I respect that ... I even worship that".

"Thank you, mister Balmer. By the way: who has been cooking your Brunch today?".
Steve: "No-one less than the McDonald Golden Hat winner 2008: Averell Dalton !".

What can I say, Mister Balmer is a visionary man, a true business prophet.
Hugs and Kisses,
Joey

My eldest brother, Averell, has won the McDonald Golden Hat Award 2008.

Please re-read the previous sentence ... my brother (mine, not yours!) ... Averell (hi, Av!) ... my PRECIOUS brother Averell ... has gained worldwide fame today (October 3, 2008). His name will be written in history books: "Averell Dalton, brother of the (slightly less) famous Joey Dalton, won the McDonald Golden Hat Award in 2008, that illustrious year of the Biggest Bank Robbery Ever (@copyright of Disney Studio, 2008-2999)".

I feel so proud. Averell has been working extremely hard to win this prestigious award. It will give an incredible boost to his promising career, believe me ! You will hear of this lad soon, I am sure of this.

I witnessed the contest and the award ceremony and have made some notes. Let me tell you what happened.

........

The scenery was overwhelming ... I have never seen so much food as during that day .... Even the tables and chairs (and waiters and waitresses) were made of food. The ashtrays were real ( I tried to eat one).

The competition was extremely cruel; cooks and crooks from all over the world were there, fighting for the Golden Hat, secretly kicking each other under the tables and throwing food when no one looked.

I closely monitored the activities of my brother. He created a six course dinner, called "The Road To Heaven".
Let me present you the work of this artist.

Course One: Prologue
Newspaper Deluxe, decorated with garlic and fresh onions, tied with rubbers bands:

Course Two: Uppercut
Yesterday's Lefties in Fresh Shaving Creme:

Course Three: Egg Attack
Raw eggs on a bed of strawberry jam and sliced pig leg:

Course Four: Stomach Surrender
Smothered Sprunks (Sprunk: rare insect, living in wet cellars and on graveyards <wikipedia>):

Course Five: Mental Collapse
Roasted Bat, sprinkled with peanuts and grinded walnuts in a delicate sauce of honey:

Course Six: Fruitless Reanimation
Warm goat milk, served with an exquisite collection of candies and gilded spring leaves:

The Jury was absolutely THRILLED.
No-one less than Black Hat Wearer Sir James Cook IXVII praised Averell for his unforgettable work ...

...and handed him over the McDonald Golden Hat Award 2008:

Av, Chapeau!

Hugs and Kisses,
Joey

Dear Friends,

I have received many, many reactions on my latest post about my trip to the bakery. I feel flattered and very proud to have so many good friends. Thank you so much for your sympathy.

The most frequently asked question (FAQ) was: "What did you do first when you returned home after so many harsh days?". (Question number two was: "Who has been, according to you, the most destructive president of the USA EVER?").

 

Let me answer the first question: Directly after arriving home, I XXX (none of your business), then I slept for three days followed by drinking beer for six, seven (?), eight (??)  days and eating fried duck (frog?); sorry Donald (Kermit?), I was extremely hungry.

Before you judge me, please remember: all these horrible weeks I only stayed alive by drinking polluted raindrops and eating stale bread, thinking about my wife and a cool bottle/bucket/pool of cold beer (in that order!).

My wife doesn't like beer, so she joined me drinking that funny red French stuff (vino, wino??). I don't know. I do know, however, that we have enjoyed a couple of extremely happy days, together (again: none of your business).

I have to go to now, do some quick shopping (wino, beero and duckies). The weather predictions are good (I hope). I'll be back soon; I hope that my police radar detection equipment is in good order.

See you! Hugs and Kisses,
Joey